Monday, February 28, 2005

dreamin of you...

i am supposed to be doin my 2 projects that i have to do...my lighting project which requires me to do my mock up....and my design history project...which both of them i havnt started on...but there is something in me that is not motivated to start...maybe i am confused over something....or maybe it is because i am just sick....haha thats are all an excuse...i guess that all i wan is an honest and straight answer from her...not sure wat i wan...but just a honest answer that i can trust and believe on...cause all these time all i ever heard from her are in my opinion are lies....cause everything she said that she didnt do this to me...she will still continue to do it...it is like totally oppstie of wat she told me...wat am i to believe now?

every night i always dream of her once....jus seein her in my dreams....just den she is always with someone else or taken away from me by someone else....never once i can be with her.....maybe this is a sign that i should not be with her ...and start to live my own life....but why do i always dream of her....? everytime i looked at her...she turns away.....when she looks at me i turn away too....cause i just so pissed at her for lyin to me i guess....before i guess all of these happened....i used to at least talk to her in real life or played with her...all of the small and tiny things that we done together or talked about i remembered..the clothes she wears daily...the hairstyle that she wears...whether it is new or not...i remembered...and i wan to tell her about it...just i just dun know how too....plus she is seein someone else why should continue to talk to her and stuff...i eman i dun like to be a third party or wat in someone relationship...i hate to see couples break up ...but maybe this is one that i should...but they hav known each other for like over 2 years...wat do i stand a chance...i know her barely for a few months...but lookin at her now...pisses me off...it boils my blood that i want to kill her or just hurt her so badly the way she hurt me....see her cry...see her scream...am i so evil...is this called revenge?

but lookin at the facts....she alreadly has someone she likes.....not me....and someone else that she can turn too....so why does she need me rite...everytime i tried to help her...she turns me down...reject me....countless of times....all i wan to do was to help her....jus to spend abit more time time with her....but i guess i and her jus hav no chemisty together...when i am with her, we dun talked much...and i meant like nothing to talk about....haiz...wasnt like that in the past....but now...i guess things hav changed....anyway she always wan to free and happy and fun and loved....she wans someone that she can tok to about anything under the sun....laugh with them...joke with them.....well i cant...i just not that...all i am is a listener...i hav been a loner all my life....everytime i ask someone to go out or something...i am always rejected...so why should continue to ask....anyway even though she is seein someone...i guess she is oso interested in someone else too...anyway why would she or any other gals....i mean he is handsome...cool...good looking..talk well...know how to make a gal happy...laugh with them...joke with them...i eman any gal will fall on their knees to be him him...plus they both can clicked welll...i eman seein them exchangin messages so closely to one another that they hav to speak to each other in the ears to listen...that close...haiz...do i hav something like that to fight it?...nope....i hav nothing....

everytime she replys a msg back to me....sayin that hey it is not wat i think it is ...blah blah blah...but den wat is it that i am seein? are you tryin to tell me that i am blind...den wat i am seein infront of me is just an illusion? cant be rite....i mean now i finally understand....that for a guy to like a gal it can be so fast...cause she is pretty and all...but for a gal....for a GAL to like a guy....and to said just the word i like you...takes a long time...like for a few years....and the love i love you at the time that the two get married...haiz....i guess i should push things too fast and think that everything can come my way the way i wan it to be...some things are just not in your control like fate and love....love takes time ...which is something i guess i dun hav....TIME....the silent killing pain....i always feel that i will be diein soon...liek with the illness and the depression that i am sufferin sometimes...and thats why i wan someone that i can trust my life with....hold me close....said that i will protect you...i love you and all....even though i met a gal that did said these words to me...but i barely known her....i mean like she added me in friendster and chat with me like a few minutes...and den on the same day called me to talk...and den she said she wan to be more than a friend to me and stuff....i was like OMG...i hav even seen you or known you long enough to be able to trust you with my life...dun you think that things are seriously goin way too fast....ayway i rejected her...

hmmm...maybe she was in a situation like me... wantin to find love that fast....cause she was trapped in the darkness of loneiness for so long....haiz...but...why do i still dream of her every night....why is this happening to me.........even though i want to mend it...the relationship...it always hurt me back in someways....she always lie....saying this and that....haiz...but i guess i am too blamed too...with the things i said to her sometimes....but what can i do when i in a depressed mood....

but why seriously do i like her...i eman when i first met her...it was like nothing...but when i get to know her better...things changed...and things really started to changed when my sis said that she was a pretty gal...form den now my mind was clear..i could see how beautiful she was...her eyes are the type that you can stare into for hours and not get bored....i am laways attracted to a gals eyes...cause i believed that you can tell alot by looking at a person's eyes...his or her whole life story...i finally understand truely understanded the meaning of true beauty...like inner beauty...the beauty that shines for all to see..haiz.... but what i hav done now and to her...i just guess that it was not fated for us to be ...i mean i hav no connection with anyone....even though how much i tried...i just cant...i am such a loser...

JooL at 6:30 PM

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