Friday, November 19, 2004

Looks like somethings can never come true for me...

haiz...
somethings will never happen for me...
not matter how hard try...
some things i can never win...
till the day that i die...

maybe it is my destinity
my fate to be alone
i will nvr be loved
i will nvr feel loved
i am bein left out agian

durin my class chalet or any other ex class chalet i hav...
somehow i dun feel right there
i feel i am not suppose to be there
i feel like the black sheep of the herd
alone

during the chalet
when everyone is watchin tv or sleepin or doin something
i can nvr get a place to sit dwn properly
just like the same for anything
or any other chalets i hav been too
always sitiin on the floor
sleepin on it sometimes
while everyone else are enjoyin the comfort of the bed
haiz....
something is wrong with me i guess
i mean i want the best for other...
not really carin abt myself
but when i hav a time to think abt it again
haiz...

that class chalet i should hav nvr go
wat i execpted form it was happiness
but all i came back home were sadness

remember one night
when everyone was slpin
and i was awake the whole night until mornin
by myself
i listened to my discman
listenin to the songs like "the reason" "she will be loved" "my happy endin" "burn"
i cried...as it all had to do something or related to me
i felt the song
i cried secretly... not lettin anyone see me
i guess the only one the saw me was the cleaner in the mornin at 4ooam i guess downstair
haiz...
been thinkin...
and maybe it was not meant to be
and i hav confirmed that it was really not possible anymore
its gone
haiz
cryin all night until i saw the sunrise
went to the beach
walked along it all by myself...
tryin to get the thoughts and feelin off of me
a bit did
haiz....
i guess i can nvr fit in
i try so hard
but yet failed
i guess i will not be goin to any class chalet anymore
if i will be i will be goin alone
the way it was meant to be
alone
by myself

secondly, i guess i should stop makin or try to make friends with anyone
cause if i did
it will always be a bad thing
ppl will start to leave me when it is gettin to its peak
leave me without a word
or a good bye
jus go
leavin me in the dark to suffer

and when i do get up the dark hole by myself
i will meet someone else and the same process will happen again
i will fall bac in
and be left there
it had happened to me so many times

i guess u may ask why i am still hurtin myself by findin a friend
maybe it is because of the loneiness i had endure all my life until now
that i am hungry
hungry for a compaionship
hungry for that special someone
but been tryin for so long
i guess i should just throw in the white towel
my heart cant take anymore of this torture
everytime i make a new friend
i give a part of my heart to that person
if it was someone special or i feel maybe it is that someone i been waitin for
i will give a bigger piece
by everytime i give away a piece
i nvr get anything bac
nothing
thats why i am feelin empty and cheated
and i guess i hav no more to giv
if i give anymore and be hurt again
i guess i would jus die there
stop livin
as there is no point to live on
no one to love
and to be loved...

wat a loser i hav been until now
believin in findin that special someone
my adcadamic results have been sufferin too because of this
i better start focusin on my studies
den believin in love....
there is no such thing...

i used to be the best in design at my sec. sch
now i am one of the worst in my class
i need that god damn scholarship to study
i am poor
and i cant afford to study
i need to work hard
even though it will be a lonely journey

Am i prepared?


JooL at 2:00 AM

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