Saturday, November 13, 2004

“Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay~ ”

Here is a story that i really felt very meaningful... so read on with my feeling at the bottom

at first when someone sent this to me to read...i just roughly read thru it not really understandin it mainly cause i was sleepy at that time...however after when something happened... i recalled this sentence and began searchin for this story and found it and read and understand it...den it made total sense to me...

Tree

The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre- U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal. I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart cry for 3 years. She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.
I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.
During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"

Leaf

During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness.
But after a mth, he got together with another gal. I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him right?
Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years. Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.

Wind

Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her,there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left. Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this erseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay

haiz...i really felt that i am like the tree...i mean i am almost like the tree other than havin so many girlfriends cause i hav none...all the feelings and the thoughts that tree went thru... i felt the same way ...like how he really like this girl even though She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal....but i like her inncoent...and to me that girl was the only person or gal of all my friends (even though i dont really believe in havin friends) guy or girl...that i can really talk with...that i feel comfortable with...but like the tree "Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her" something like that...i feel that i am not a good match for her...someone like her should deserve a guy that is much more handsome more rich or u noe...better than me... and moreover she has so many guyfriends ard her that i think likes her and they are more handsome than me more rich...so why should she chose me...haiz

i am scared to make the first move...wat if i didnt tell her that i like her and she rejects me ..wat am i to say...or wat if she already hav a boyfriend....wat if she jus laugh at me and walk away...wat if after that she and i will distance apart because we felt embrassaed...so many questions in my head...

moverover i felt that maybe i am too irritating to her...maybe i keep on disturdin her and askin her question...but now i hav not disturded her....but u see i am from a boy sch all my life until now and the only girl i talk to was my sis...so i didnt hav much experience with the other sex...wat to say to them wat to do...which like in the end i hurt some ppl...

i am not the type that can really talk alot...other than makin stupid comments and a bit of jokin...thats all...i can really talk or hold a conversation with a gal or sometimes with a guy...i just dun noe wat to say...and when i ask those questions...they may feel that i am invadin their privacy...so i hav now stopped askin...but from here on wat else can i say...

for that speical someone i will do anything to make her happy anything...wat she wans i will try to giv it to her...money to me is that is that the purpose of getting the gift or thing is very important or worthwhile .. so matter wat it cost if i can afford it i will buy it...is not like i am rich or wat...is just that to me money is not the most important thing in life it is just like another item u wish to hav.....

now i feel so lonely talkin to noone but myself...but the worst part of being and feelin lonely is that when u noe u hav a grp of friends or ppl ard u and they dun talk or u noe interact with u...that is in my opinion the worst part of feeling lonely....i rather hav no friends and noone ard me...to feel lonely ...if u get wat i mean....

i cry until i can cry no more everytime i start thinkin abt it...just keep on cryin...havin the pain in your heart....that is the worst injury or pain that anyone can suffer....

wat should i do wat should i do...i feel like i am losin that person and everyone else ard me....i am feelin lonely again....and depressed....haiz...maybe i should jus die ....to take ll these pain away ='(

JooL at 2:00 PM

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