Tuesday, November 30, 2004

It is all so clear to me now...somethings are not meant to be

it is clear
so clear to me
that somethning are just not meant to be

the harder i try
the deeper i fall
in to the endless pit of loneliness
dark and cold

to all those ppl out there who believe or said that looks dun matters findin that special someone
or girls dun go for looks anymore, but rather the person

YOU GOT TO KIDDING YOURSELF!!!

cause there is no such thing
looks matters the most to u all
if u got two guys or gals that both u hav feelings for
but one of them is an ugly duckling and the other one is a beautiful and handsome swan
who will u go for?
by human instinct i bet is the swan
even if u said that looks dun matter and u can tell this to the ugly duckling
but in the end which did u choose...the swan rather than the duck

i bet even if u hav a better relationship with the ugly duck
u will still go for the swan
i mean who in the world will not wan
who wans to be seen on the streets by your friends that u are goin out with a ugly person
they will rather see u with a handsome dream guy...
and u will be pround about that

but everyone did u tik abt how the ugly one feel?
nope, cause u cant be bother with
people are that shallow
seriously

for those of u that said that the sea or ocrean still hav many other fishes for u to go after or chase....fair enuff
but lets looks at it in a more deeper sense
fine you hav the sea there
what u need now is a fishing line and a bait
imagine u are the fishing line waitin for that "fish"
now for the bait

but before that listen to this
when lookin for that special someone
there are three things the guy or girls must have or people will go for
first...Looks
second...Money
third...ability to talk well

if the guy hav looks but no money and he cant talk well,
well he still can hav girls comin up to him <
well if he has looks and money...all the better
if he has looks and can talk well....much better
if he has all of the above....that will be every gals dream guy...

if the guy has no looks only money or blah blah blah...u get the point...
haiz i have nothing

which for me... the first one is a definelately a big "OUT"
the second one too....i dun hav
all now i can depend on is the third one...which i tried so hard to noe it
but looks like i cant....so the third one is a big NONO

conclusion, i have none of the above....
not even one
thus, no gal will even come up to me and start talkin to me
therefore no relationship will happen
haiz
in a nutshell, be lonely for the rest of my life

well if u tik wat i said is crap...this point has been proven many and many times
just like yesterday...when i went ice skatin
haiz

if one just one gals will come up to me ....
i will been happy...but nah it will never goin to happen

okok now back to the fishes in the sea
for the handsome people.....they are the baits that are all good lookin and the any fish will wan to bite
for the rich people.....they are the baits that are thick and juicy that fishes will oso wan to bite...alll those money hungry people
for the one that can talk well......well u are just a normal bait hopin that someday u can find a fish comin up to u

for people like me, who has nothing at all,
i am just a fishin line with no bait
no bait= no chance gettin a bite
i am just a line floatin on the cold seawater
floatin above while seein everyone else under me in the sea havin fun....

all i can wish for that person i was gettin to know better,
good luck with the person that u like ...which is not me of course
if u are happy, i will oso be happy for u
but dun invite me to your wedding
cause i may just spoil or ruin it
or i will be in one corner cryin till i cry blood instead of tears
well looks like looks and the ability to talk well is wat u are goin after
anyway u will be more happy with him den me....i have nothing to offer u

well i dun hav any of them...so.....haiz
i guess thats that
looks like i will never find that someone...casue there isnt someone for me.

and one last thing....i will not be goin to anymore class otuing as evertime i go...instead of being happy...i will turn sad and cryin...haiz wats is the point
and moreover i will only ruin the fun u all are haivn
and i cant talk well...i cant even talk with u all
even i tried to learn how to...but i guess i cant learn and speak Chinese that well
and u all hav to speak english which u are not used too
i really should not go anymore...so plz dun ask me out....even thou i hav places and plans or ideas to go out...haiz well guess not

"JO_oL" out...commitin sucide feels so good now

JooL at 4:00 AM

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Friday, November 19, 2004

Looks like somethings can never come true for me...

haiz...
somethings will never happen for me...
not matter how hard try...
some things i can never win...
till the day that i die...

maybe it is my destinity
my fate to be alone
i will nvr be loved
i will nvr feel loved
i am bein left out agian

durin my class chalet or any other ex class chalet i hav...
somehow i dun feel right there
i feel i am not suppose to be there
i feel like the black sheep of the herd
alone

during the chalet
when everyone is watchin tv or sleepin or doin something
i can nvr get a place to sit dwn properly
just like the same for anything
or any other chalets i hav been too
always sitiin on the floor
sleepin on it sometimes
while everyone else are enjoyin the comfort of the bed
haiz....
something is wrong with me i guess
i mean i want the best for other...
not really carin abt myself
but when i hav a time to think abt it again
haiz...

that class chalet i should hav nvr go
wat i execpted form it was happiness
but all i came back home were sadness

remember one night
when everyone was slpin
and i was awake the whole night until mornin
by myself
i listened to my discman
listenin to the songs like "the reason" "she will be loved" "my happy endin" "burn"
i cried...as it all had to do something or related to me
i felt the song
i cried secretly... not lettin anyone see me
i guess the only one the saw me was the cleaner in the mornin at 4ooam i guess downstair
haiz...
been thinkin...
and maybe it was not meant to be
and i hav confirmed that it was really not possible anymore
its gone
haiz
cryin all night until i saw the sunrise
went to the beach
walked along it all by myself...
tryin to get the thoughts and feelin off of me
a bit did
haiz....
i guess i can nvr fit in
i try so hard
but yet failed
i guess i will not be goin to any class chalet anymore
if i will be i will be goin alone
the way it was meant to be
alone
by myself

secondly, i guess i should stop makin or try to make friends with anyone
cause if i did
it will always be a bad thing
ppl will start to leave me when it is gettin to its peak
leave me without a word
or a good bye
jus go
leavin me in the dark to suffer

and when i do get up the dark hole by myself
i will meet someone else and the same process will happen again
i will fall bac in
and be left there
it had happened to me so many times

i guess u may ask why i am still hurtin myself by findin a friend
maybe it is because of the loneiness i had endure all my life until now
that i am hungry
hungry for a compaionship
hungry for that special someone
but been tryin for so long
i guess i should just throw in the white towel
my heart cant take anymore of this torture
everytime i make a new friend
i give a part of my heart to that person
if it was someone special or i feel maybe it is that someone i been waitin for
i will give a bigger piece
by everytime i give away a piece
i nvr get anything bac
nothing
thats why i am feelin empty and cheated
and i guess i hav no more to giv
if i give anymore and be hurt again
i guess i would jus die there
stop livin
as there is no point to live on
no one to love
and to be loved...

wat a loser i hav been until now
believin in findin that special someone
my adcadamic results have been sufferin too because of this
i better start focusin on my studies
den believin in love....
there is no such thing...

i used to be the best in design at my sec. sch
now i am one of the worst in my class
i need that god damn scholarship to study
i am poor
and i cant afford to study
i need to work hard
even though it will be a lonely journey

Am i prepared?


JooL at 2:00 AM

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Saturday, November 13, 2004

“Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay~ ”

Here is a story that i really felt very meaningful... so read on with my feeling at the bottom

at first when someone sent this to me to read...i just roughly read thru it not really understandin it mainly cause i was sleepy at that time...however after when something happened... i recalled this sentence and began searchin for this story and found it and read and understand it...den it made total sense to me...

Tree

The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre- U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal. I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart cry for 3 years. She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.
I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.
During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"

Leaf

During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness.
But after a mth, he got together with another gal. I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him right?
Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years. Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.

Wind

Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her,there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left. Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this erseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay

haiz...i really felt that i am like the tree...i mean i am almost like the tree other than havin so many girlfriends cause i hav none...all the feelings and the thoughts that tree went thru... i felt the same way ...like how he really like this girl even though She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal....but i like her inncoent...and to me that girl was the only person or gal of all my friends (even though i dont really believe in havin friends) guy or girl...that i can really talk with...that i feel comfortable with...but like the tree "Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her" something like that...i feel that i am not a good match for her...someone like her should deserve a guy that is much more handsome more rich or u noe...better than me... and moreover she has so many guyfriends ard her that i think likes her and they are more handsome than me more rich...so why should she chose me...haiz

i am scared to make the first move...wat if i didnt tell her that i like her and she rejects me ..wat am i to say...or wat if she already hav a boyfriend....wat if she jus laugh at me and walk away...wat if after that she and i will distance apart because we felt embrassaed...so many questions in my head...

moverover i felt that maybe i am too irritating to her...maybe i keep on disturdin her and askin her question...but now i hav not disturded her....but u see i am from a boy sch all my life until now and the only girl i talk to was my sis...so i didnt hav much experience with the other sex...wat to say to them wat to do...which like in the end i hurt some ppl...

i am not the type that can really talk alot...other than makin stupid comments and a bit of jokin...thats all...i can really talk or hold a conversation with a gal or sometimes with a guy...i just dun noe wat to say...and when i ask those questions...they may feel that i am invadin their privacy...so i hav now stopped askin...but from here on wat else can i say...

for that speical someone i will do anything to make her happy anything...wat she wans i will try to giv it to her...money to me is that is that the purpose of getting the gift or thing is very important or worthwhile .. so matter wat it cost if i can afford it i will buy it...is not like i am rich or wat...is just that to me money is not the most important thing in life it is just like another item u wish to hav.....

now i feel so lonely talkin to noone but myself...but the worst part of being and feelin lonely is that when u noe u hav a grp of friends or ppl ard u and they dun talk or u noe interact with u...that is in my opinion the worst part of feeling lonely....i rather hav no friends and noone ard me...to feel lonely ...if u get wat i mean....

i cry until i can cry no more everytime i start thinkin abt it...just keep on cryin...havin the pain in your heart....that is the worst injury or pain that anyone can suffer....

wat should i do wat should i do...i feel like i am losin that person and everyone else ard me....i am feelin lonely again....and depressed....haiz...maybe i should jus die ....to take ll these pain away ='(

JooL at 2:00 PM

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