Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Personality Disorder Test Results

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid 82%
Schizoid 78%
Schizotypal 90%
Antisocial 46%
Borderline 82%
Histrionic 50%
Narcissistic 50%
Avoidant 78%
Dependent 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive 78%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

JooL at 9:32 PM

0 comments

Sunday, September 26, 2004

hard work...

just finished work...from cathay cine....damn tired but is it worth it?
i mean i am bein spent 4.50 per hour....is that alot of money?
i do need money...but am i that desperate?
but there are the pros and cons
and 4.50 hppns to be a con
but i will put up wif it
give it all i got
until i die
Die...

but workin in a cinema had always been my dream....hopin to watch free movie...gettin the latest lowdwns on the movies...i mena i had always been curious on wat is goin on behind the cinema business...and i mus say it is a great business to be in but there is alot of hard work bein placed into something like tt...the people...resources...money...but the feelin pf meetin new ppl is great...learnin about ppl from different bkgrds...and talkin to ppl from all walks of life...it is an interestin job...and to continue workin at it...to get my pay...i mus "tahan" all the way until i reached year two...where i will get much more busier den i am now...

anyway a big thank you all all those who spent time readin my blog and all that i hav and had said are true...some all written on my bad days...while some like these are written on my ok ok days....i will never ever have a good day....it is a fact...until i found wat i have been lookin for...

JooL at 4:31 AM

1 comments

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

my thoughts...

jus off frm my head

the more i like someone, the more i wan them to hate me
cause ......it is hard to explain..but it is just that i dun feel that i deserved to be loved
and that i was sent here to help ppl in their problems,
but for me,
i jus hav to sovle them by myself.

i hav not experience love be4 in my life and i will nvr be.

the funny feelin that i felt in me when i meet someone i like...the shyness, the increased beatin of the heart, the feelin that u wan to be wif them forever, the emptiness feelin that u felt.....it is really wat love is.....or is it really wat love is.....or just a normal human reaction....or it is jus sexual...that u wan to hav sex wif them....and jus that......wat is it?

the ones that i liked so much are all out there but i am scared to make the first move....

the sight of them makes me speechless...it is totally diffrent from tokin on the net...where u cant see the person face to face.....there is no real connection..........chemisty?

i fated not to be loved......fated to die alone.......fated to suffer terrible emotional pain....

is there really someone out there who can understand me?

is there really someone who would love me?

i dun think so.

NEVER can be and will be.

JooL at 2:07 AM

3 comments

Monday, September 20, 2004

i am depressed...

...i am depressed...that's all...nothing more about me...i just wana die...everytime i looked out of my 11th storey window... in my head i visualize the route that i would take...i would close my eyes tell God that i am sorry... and the sudden burst of pain would fill my body and then everytime would black out...that is the end of my life... i mean wat is the point of living on...when all the closest friends leave you...i remember when i was in primary sch... i had i friend called Zi Cheng...he was a joyful guy with a smile on his face all the time.. he was also suffering from kidney disease and could not control his bladder thus he would pee on his pants and people would start avoidin him and stuff...but he does care...he lives on...until the day he left this world suddenly...on that day when our form teacher came into the class and told us the news i cried...when she asked wat was the clothes he was wearin in his coffin as she forgot...i put my hand up and said that it was a Sonic the hedaoge t-shirt...it was right...the memories of us together started to follow back when he and i were drawin Sonic...i cried the whole day...didnt thought abt anything else...why did god take him away frm me like that when we were at our peak of our friendship...and i did not said goodbye...another time was when i was in sec sch...i also had a friend...the tme more time i spent with him the happier i felt...but distrust was our enemy and it was the end of our friendship...why God did this happen to me?...from the day i was born till now my parents are always scoldin me ..shoutin at me...the most commom voice was from them...canin me till i bleed...threathenin me...comparin me with neighbours...bein the middle child...i felt that i was left out...my elder sis got everything...and my little bro too...i wished i was never born...i wished i could just close my eyes and never wake up...but the thing that kept me goin is my dream to go to hawaii where i noe i can find peace and quiet...and thegirl of my dream...even though i liked her so much that i will give my all...i noe she will nvr be mine...why in the worls would she liked a acne scarred face/ ugly guy...she dont deservse this...she deserve beta...but that i cant give...i have no looks and no money...pretty girls walkin dwn the street i wished to noe...but i have to courage approachin them...bein in a guy sch for all my life had its dwnside...i hav a fear of girls...pretty ones...the ones i liked...but like before wat can i give to them...i have got no looks and no money...seein couples together...holdin hands...huggin...kissin...that is all i wished for to be loved...everytime i see a couple...i get upset...why cant it be me?...why does god have to take everything that i hold dear away...do i deserve these?..i admit i was bad but i can change...so now i hav learnt not to get my heart borken again...i will nvr let tat happen...it hurts too much...i will rather die to get it broken again...i hav prevent makin close friends just hi and bye...boy and girl relationship is a no for me...after bein rejected by one girl...i will live a lonely life with my ownself to be with...i will get enuff money and move to hawaii and live there and die...that will be my life ahead...noone...life is borin...and i wish to end it soon...even though i may sem happy on the outside with all the jokes and all...i am not like that...my thinkin is very compicated to understand...noone knows the real me...but myself...the one that is wantin to escape and run free...

JooL at 7:50 PM

12 comments

journey back home

my journey bac home was lonely
depression is settin in again
my mind is in a mess
cant stop thinkin
need help
help.

if a car was to hit me and crushed my bones,
i hope that my blood will be in different tones.

if i hav to wait till old age for me to die,
then on my death bed is where i will lie.

crazy ideas and thoughts filled my mind,
it is not the first time.

thinkin of death every single day,
where is hell plz show me the way.

life is nothin but a souless trip,
waitin for my heart to be rip.

i think i will stop here,
before i chop off my ears.

JooL at 6:00 PM

0 comments